pepper ann

"she's like one in a million"

for the last twelve years, i’ve sang the theme song to “pepper ann” - an animated show from the 90s to my dog, pepper ann walsmith. the theme song didn’t apply heavily to pepper with exception to the name but as a (sometimes) crazy dog mom, it was fun to have a song that grabbed her attention.

today is pepper’s last day with us in her physical form. she is nearly 15 years old and we are the luckiest to have been a part of her life for 12 of those 15 years.

i find myself wanting to find ways to hold onto her. i’ve taken so many photos over the last week- knowing this day was fast approaching. i have held her and cried numerous times and in some moments she has engaged with me, comforting me as i try to comfort her. in other moments, she has wondered why i’m hassling her, standing up and walking to a different dog bed, sometimes in a different room.

in short, pepper and i have spent her last week together with me annoying her.
but as i watch my dog of 12 years, knowing the ability to lay my eyes on her physical being is coming to a close, i can’t seem to look at her enough. she is beautiful.

her hairstyle has always been the coolest— wavy locks that hang messily in every direction. her colors moving in a beautiful ombre across her feathery hair. black, brown, a lighter brown that fades to gray. and more recently a sun-kissed hue on her back has appeared- an indicator of how much time we have spent outside together over the summer.

until a couple weeks ago, pepper spent most of every good weather day outside, sniffing the breeze and walking a path that ranged from the lane that faced cattle pasture, over to the alpaca barn, around that fencing along the prairie and back to our front door- where she would bark to check-in, not necessarily to come inside, to let me know she was there. but a bark three times, that meant she was ready to come inside to request (demand?) treats and get back to her beauty rest.

today

today’s song for my girl is “sawgrass” by Josh Ritter. specifically the lyrics that read,
”I’ve been told there’s a star for each dreamer to wish to—
And no matter how far you may go she is with you.
Trust me she’s out there it’ll just take some time—
And if she’s one in a billion she’ll be easy to find”

to love a dog is to be complicit in one of life’s greatest joys and hardest heartbreaks. but her spirit is so entangled with mine, i know she won’t really be gone. she, like every dog i’ve loved before — greta, specks, otto, charlie — is a part of who i am in a never-ending sort of way.

i am a better being for having cared for and been loved by pepper.
while we say our final “goodnight” to her today, my heart will surely break. but she, like every good dog, is worth the heartache.

with gratitude.
e